Daughter refuses to give money to her elderly mother

When money and family come together, things always get messy. This is the case with one woman on Reddit who is struggling with her elderly mother’s financial situation – especially because she’s constantly being asked for money.

The Connecticut resident said she has fallen into the unfortunate habit of giving money whenever she asks for it to her elderly mother, who lives in an assisted living home in Florida. The requests are endless, from help with bills to filling up their car.

However, after checking her mother’s bank accounts, she realized that what her mother was buying with the borrowed money wasn’t the point – she was constantly shopping, eating out, and ordering lots of fast food.

The adult daughter no longer wants to give her elderly mother any money, arguing that her “poor life decisions” have made her poor.

“I got a call from my mom yesterday asking me for money again,” the 52-year-old woman admitted in her Reddit post.

“She’s 80,” she continued, “I’m her only child.” I have no children and am in a long-term relationship. I work full time and earn a decent living. She is widowed. We don’t have any other family.

Grustock | Shutterstock

RELATED: Woman asks for help after being charged $35 an hour to visit her elderly mother in an assisted living facility that costs $8KA per month

Earlier this year, her mother’s sister died, leaving her $3,000, which she used up in less than two months. Although she claimed to have spent the money on repairing her car, her daughter knows the truth.

“I have access to her checking account that she gave me,” she revealed. “She shopped A LOT, went out to eat, bought fast food, and maybe the only decent thing she did was pay for a new charger for her hearing aids for about $250.”

Her daughter decided it was time to set limits on her mother when it came to money.

“She’s widowed and has no savings, no pension, no 401K and an old car that’s on the verge of dying,” the woman admitted. “I gave her money a few times and [sent] a few articles here and there on Amazon, but I’m tired of being gaslighted. I sent her $200 and told her it was all I had and she needed to STOP spending money.”

When she confronted her mother about the unnecessary expenses, she became defensive. When she suggested getting rid of her expensive car, she claimed it was “her ‘way out’ of the assisted living facility she hates.”

shurkin_son | Shutterstock

Since her mother is clearly unwilling to help herself, she doesn’t know what to do. She’s worried about the future of her relationship, but hesitant to risk her savings any further.

“I don’t want her to suffer because she doesn’t have money, but she put herself in this situation,” the woman added. “Yes, I’m grateful that I make decent money, but I need to keep a roof over my head. Who will help me with my bills when I’m 80?”

Many low-income families have found that this type of “money stress” and uncomfortable financial conversations can really damage relationships and create resentment and anxiety in ways that lead to breakups. So how can this woman support her mother while protecting herself and her financial boundaries?

RELATED: Father asks his daughter, a retired millionaire, for $55,000 to get out of debt and she wants to say no

Commenters suggested that this woman’s elderly mother had “a shopping addiction” that needed to be addressed through intervention.

While many Reddit users suspected that the cause of the elderly mother’s spending problem was loneliness — she lives in an assisted living facility, in a different state than her family and has little money — she wasn’t shy about this theory to deny.

“Everything is more expensive in CT,” she wrote, adding that even though her mother was “happily married, had money and had an active social life, she still spent it.” [irresponsibly].”

Although seemingly “irrational and irresponsible” spending can often be a sign of loneliness or insecurity, with the help of other Reddit users, she has come to the conclusion that her elderly mother has an addiction to money.

Like any other addiction, this woman’s compulsive spending and shopping triggers temporary joy and likely helps her cope and hide feelings of anxiety, depression, or even boredom. While it may have started when she was in a stable condition, it’s only getting worse now that she’s dealing with more intense emotions and trauma.

“Now that she’s widowed and has no money left, [her addiction] will be exposed,” the woman continued. “I’m going to have to have a difficult conversation.”

fizkes | Shutterstock

Of course, she doesn’t “owe” her mother any financial support based on their relationship alone, but many online are still sympathetic to her desire to help her mother and her guilt for not doing so. Some suggested that they share household chores or that she should give her mother a monthly allowance.

“Try giving her a prepaid card or setting up a budget with her,” one commenter suggested. “As soon as the money for the month is used up, she’s done. If there are big things—bills, groceries, etc.—that she needs, just pay them in advance.”

RELATED: Mom admits her daughter is her retirement plan – ‘We had kids so they could take care of us when we were older’

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment journalist at YourTango focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories.